‘I Call Myself A Loner But The Struggle Of Finding Friendship in My 20s Is Hard.’

By Shakira Bruce-Abubacker, Feature Writer

I like to call myself a “popular loner.” Sounds ironic, doesn’t it? But if you know, you know. Since I was a young girl, I’ve struggled with forming friendships—and I’m not afraid to admit it. Actually, scrap that. It’s not just me; making friends is hard.

For the longest time, I felt like there was some secret formula to friendship, some unspoken equation that everyone else had effortlessly solved—except me. I over analysed every word I spoke, every action I took, constantly wondering how to be the perfect friend. Not just so people would accept me, but so they would see my worth. Because, for a long time, I believed that’s what determined my value.

And when I faced rejection? It wasn’t just disappointing—it felt like a full-circle moment. Back to square one, blaming myself, convinced that I was the problem. That something about me was fundamentally wrong. I spent countless nights replaying conversations, questioning everything, wondering why it was so easy for others but so complicated for me.

But here’s what I’ve come to realise, dear reader: you are not the problem.

The truth is, making friends as an adult—especially in a city like London, especially in your 20s—is tough. Really tough. No one hands you a rulebook on how to build deep connections once school and university are over. The natural, effortless friendships of childhood give way to a world where people are busy, guarded, and, quite frankly, difficult to reach. So if you’re struggling, if you feel alone in a crowded room, if you wonder why friendships don’t just happen the way they used to—trust me, you’re not alone.

And maybe, just maybe, there’s nothing wrong with you at all.

The Reality of Friendships Today

I’ve come to realise that you should never judge yourself, change yourself, or overcompensate just to make friends. That’s not the true meaning of friendship at all. And yet, so many of us—myself included—have fallen into that trap. We mould ourselves into what we think people want, hoping to be accepted. But the truth is, it’s rarely ever about you. People are just… people.

Especially in this day and age, with social media shaping so much of our interactions, young adults are constantly being influenced by toxic ideologies that spread like wildfire online. We’re conditioned to view relationships as transactional, to prioritise aesthetics over authenticity, to measure our worth by likes, follows, and group photos filled with people who don’t truly see us.

It’s made genuine connections harder to find. It’s made trust harder to give. Because, truth be told, a lot of people are fake. They’ll smile in your face, tell you they love you, swear they’ll always be there for you—only to turn around and talk about you behind your back.

On top of that, people have become so antisocial. You could make every effort to be friendly, to put yourself out there, only to be met with indifference—or worse, labelled as desperate.

I’ve even tried multiple friendship apps—Bumble, Betty, and a few others—but the reality is, no matter how much effort you put in, if it’s not reciprocated, you’re at a dead end. Friendships, like any other relationship, need to be mutual. One-sided effort will never build something meaningful.

Holding Onto Hope

Now, I don’t want to sound entirely negative, because I do believe there are genuine people out there—real friendships waiting to be made. The kind where you can be fully yourself, where love and loyalty come effortlessly, where you don’t have to shrink yourself just to fit in.

But I also believe in telling the honest truth: making friends as an adult isn’t as easy as they made it seem when we were kids. And that’s something we need to talk about more.

Still, despite everything, I remain hopeful. It’s a new year, a fresh start, and I truly believe that I’ll find my people. Not just acquaintances, but real friendships. The kind where you laugh until your stomach hurts, cry without fear of judgment, and make unforgettable memories. The kind of friendships that last a lifetime—the ones that feel like family. Maybe even the ones who’ll stand beside me as bridesmaids one day, haha.

So, with that being said, cheers to new beginnings, to finding our people, to the friendships that feel like home—and to never settling for anything less than the love and loyalty we deserve.

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